It's been exactly 2 weeks since the breakup. 14 days. Counting the days so I can hopefully see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I thought I was done with the tears by Day 3 (when I must have cried 8-10 times). Friends all told me I was strong - for deleting him off my social media and leaving all the Whatsapp groups within the hour. I know I had to at least do that, or else my sanity will not be preserved.
I thought what we had was strong. Those memories of how we started at the pier by Central, the countless shared happy memories of when we did visits to new restaurants, attending new events, travelling to new places together, and while we made even more plans and promises to do even more together. How we stood by each other during when each of us went through some tough times in careers, in sickness. The things a couple would have actually vow to do as proclaimed in marriage vows. How we would talk about where we would prefer to have our future home, how many kids, getting dogs,...
It stings, it hurts. On these silent moments alone, it is hard to pass them through without thinking about the day he initiated the breakup. And how he refused to and just stopped communicating. He was no longer the guy I knew. He had clammed up and treated me as a stranger. That really hurt. And he denied me the door to his heart right there and then. Threw away the map and the key.
And then the memories keep popping in every now and then; sometimes they just come in torrents and floods. The first few days I was just trying to keep myself occupied...but at every corner would either be a symbol of our shared memories or I would get reminded of the words he said to me in happier times.
And then I wonder if he feels the same. Did he feel the grieve? The pain? The void? The sadness? The regret of that decision?
And can someone who has been so dear and intimate just turn a 180 and just cut all contact? No responses to my parting message (where I said he owed me an apology). Were the 3 years really nothing to him but a figment of my own imagination that we were in love? Was it a decision made cos he was confused? Were the parents really the reason? But what about the times he assured me he has the ultimate choice? Or was it simply he stopped seeing me in his future? Or was there another someone involved? Then why was I introduced to his parents? Why Why Why? Why was I being abandoned?
Are the occasional pangs of pain stabbed at my heart a reflection of my pain? Or was I feeling the pain he is experiencing?
Today a friend gave me some advice - a guy will keep the relationship going if he wanted to. And I should still look back at the years in fondness as there were many happy moments which made my life richer. And not everyone in our life is meant to stay in our life forever.
The last one really hit hard. I wish he would be in my life forever. And then I broke down in tears...and decided I had to type something cos my headspace was getting way too clouded.
